Posted in A better look at me, Mental Health, Posts

Camping and self awareness

For four days in December, I went camping with a group of my high school friends. We did the same trip in late January last year, and boy oh boy was I full of reminiscing and self-reflecting. We all know this has been a year and a half for me, but I think I’ve focused mainly on the negative things. On this trip, though, we all talked a lot about the positive ways we’ve changed as well. And for me, one of my main things was how much better I’ve got to know myself. By that, I mean I’m more aware of my thoughts, rather than repressing everything, and because of that, I’m a lot more willing to discuss things, and keep learning more about myself.  Continue reading “Camping and self awareness”

Posted in A better look at me, Posts

You’d think it’d be over by now, but here we are (the week from hell pt4)

Check out part 2 and part 3 for the rest of the story up to this point (it won’t make sense on it’s own, sorry). 

As per always, I’d rather you didn’t read this if you know/are any of the people involved in this. I can’t stop you, obviously, but don’t get mad at me for what I’ve written, I’ve given you fair warning. 

So, there we are, trying our best to be friends. It’s a little strange, but it’s fine. Then, me and Aphrodite go off on break, and Athena and Zeus stay at uni for a little while. I have a good break for oh, maybe a week? Until I get a message from Zeus: “can you stop with this blog shit, it’s really pissing me off.” 

I just… What?

He explained that he’d read my blog – hadn’t asked me, just sat there and read it with Athena. I’ve always been really clear that I don’t want them reading that, ever, but apparently that doesn’t matter. Anyway, his point was “cant you talk to me about shit rather than writing about me,” and a couple of things that I said about him where he basically thought I was going to put all his deepest secrets out for the world to see. Listen, I tell you guys a lot, but I was offended he thought so little of me. He was angry and drunk when he was messaging me, but still, I took the two posts down straight away. 

Continue reading “You’d think it’d be over by now, but here we are (the week from hell pt4)”

Posted in A better look at me, Posts

And it gets even worse… (the week from hell pt3)

So, if you missed the first half of the story yesterday, you can read it here. Unless you’re an irl friend, then please stop. We’re carrying on from Friday night, pals being pals, hanging out and drinking. A note; drinking rarely works for us as a group. I stay mostly sober (this night, completely sober), and drama almost always happens. Woo. 

So, everyone is drinking, cool cool. We’re good, we’re friends, stuff happens that isn’t relevant right now, but may be relevant another time. Another girl comes over, a friend of Zeus’s, and when the others go out for their own walk, me and her and another girl decide to stay. We’re chatting, all good, and Zeus comes storming back in the room after this walk, absolutely fuming. I mean, I’ve never seen him this mad. So, we’re trying to get him to talk, and making sure he doesn’t break anything (because he was very close to breaking his keyboard), when the girls come back in. Here’s another place where I messed up – I was stressed about my lil friend, and all I knew was that something happened on that walk that made him mad. So, I accused the girls of doing something wrong, or at least not telling me something that might have set him off. Obviously, no one likes being told they did something wrong, and I was so stressed that I didn’t stop for a second to think about that. I just kept asking and asking what had happened, ignoring them when they were clearly upset. Good one, me. But, nothing happened, and I’m still not sure what set him off. 
Continue reading “And it gets even worse… (the week from hell pt3)”

Posted in A better look at me, Love and stuff, Posts

Crushes and love and stuff (the week from hell pt1)

Here’s the situation; a whole lot of drama has happened recently, and I’m not sure if I want to explain it all to you in detail. What I do want, though, is all the self-analysis that has come out of it. So, here comes a whole heap of posts about “the week from hell,” and we’ll see what comes out of them. 

First, let’s introduce the “characters” of this sorry tale. We have Aphrodite, named because she’s dismissed as the pretty one, when she’s so much more than that. Athena, who’s intelligent, and definitely not someone you want against you in a fight. Zeus, who’s becoming the centre of our group (or world, whatever) even though no one is entirely sure if he’s deserving of it, and is likely to banish us from Olympus or strike us with lightening at any second. And finally, Apollo, because I just know how much he’d love to think he’s our light and sun. A side note; if you’re any of these people, or know the names of any of these people, please stop reading. This post is for me, not for you.  Continue reading “Crushes and love and stuff (the week from hell pt1)”

Posted in A better look at me, Posts

Sick of saying sorry

People suck. That includes me, but man, people suck. Basically, a whole load of drama has happened over the last couple of weeks that I won’t really go into (or will I? unsure), and now I’ve lost/damaged three friendships. There’s two problems with this; first, that I had a crush on one of these people, and I so shouldn’t have (not the first time I’ve done this), and second, that I was the one apologising for all the things they did wrong. To be clear, I did A LOT wrong – I was jealous of the boy being friends with girls, I never talked about my emotions and problems, I assumed stuff that turned out to be wrong, and spoke on behalf of other people based off some of that, etc etc. What makes me mad, though, is that the people affected by it didn’t deal with it in the best way, and I got to a point where I was basically begging for them to forgive me. 
Continue reading “Sick of saying sorry”

Posted in A better look at me, Posts, Writing

Some thoughts on writing, from your resident Sad Person

I’ve forgotten how to write. 

I put pen to paper, or fingers to keys, and all I can picture is him, watching. Reading my every word, and critquing them and laughing with the people who once called me friends. Reading this, now, and reading it wrong, and never giving me a chance to read it to them differently. Reading everything and making me the villain because of it. Or worse, reading it and never letting me know. Or worse again, reading the words I try to hide, in a book that he asks his friends to steal from me. It’s impossible to write for an audience that may or may not be there. 

I’ve forgotten how to write, on here.  Continue reading “Some thoughts on writing, from your resident Sad Person”

Posted in A better look at me, Posts

A “saving people thing”

You know those late-night thoughts you have when you cant sleep, or thoughts you have in the shower? Yeah, this was one of those. Both of those, actually. Basically, I have a “saving people thing” (as Hermione describes it to Harry), and its almost definitely not healthy. 

Let’s talk fictional, to start with. I LOVE a broken character. I love Draco Malfoy, and Bucky, and Jem Smith, and Adrian Ivashkov, and Jughead Jones, and a hundred other small broken boys (not girls, huh – but that’s an observation for another day). I love them because of how problematic they are, and I want to protect them from the cruel world, especially when they show a little bit of emotion and wanting to change. All good, right? Except, the problem is, I’m starting to think this is happening to me in real life. Well, maybe I’m just realising it more with this friend group than I have before. Because, damn, it has happened before. With my exes and ex-crushes in particular, who always seem to have something, from my boyfriend with injuries that he struggled with, to a crush who got the occassional anxiety attack. Obviously, they’re so much more to me than that, but is it becoming a trend? What do I notice first, and what draws me to them? 
Continue reading “A “saving people thing””