Here’s the situation; a whole lot of drama has happened recently, and I’m not sure if I want to explain it all to you in detail. What I do want, though, is all the self-analysis that has come out of it. So, here comes a whole heap of posts about “the week from hell,” and we’ll see what comes out of them.
First, let’s introduce the “characters” of this sorry tale. We have Aphrodite, named because she’s dismissed as the pretty one, when she’s so much more than that. Athena, who’s intelligent, and definitely not someone you want against you in a fight. Zeus, who’s becoming the centre of our group (or world, whatever) even though no one is entirely sure if he’s deserving of it, and is likely to banish us from Olympus or strike us with lightening at any second. And finally, Apollo, because I just know how much he’d love to think he’s our light and sun. A side note; if you’re any of these people, or know the names of any of these people, please stop reading. This post is for me, not for you.
Let me explain a concept to you really quickly; “the meadow of love, and the forest of friendship,” the way that me and my friends refer to our love lives. Essentially, you’re either in a meadow, or in the forest, or walking some strange line in between. Say, for example, you have a little crush on that girl you think is pretty; you’d say you’re in the meadow, but not very deep, you can definitely still see the forest. Then, you fall for her some more, going deeper into the meadow. Maybe, you can’t see the forest at all. You might sit down in the meadow, or you might get up and try and walk towards the forest, or she might join you in the meadow and you can live your happy lives. She, however, might be in the forest, treehouse built, not even looking to go into a meadow. Making sense? Let me explain my situation, then, in meadow terms.
With me, I add an extra concept of Rational and Irrational Me, as if they’re two separate people. So, Rational wants to stay in the forest until we’re really sure of any feelings from the other person, in this case, the person being Zeus. Somehow, though, when I wasn’t looking, Irrational just turned and bolted into the meadow. And she would. Not. Leave. So, Rational marched in and started to drag her out. I mean drag, it was such a mission. See, Zeus told me (well, Apollo told me what Zeus had said) that he wasn’t interested in me. Actually, he was into one of my best friends, Aphrodite. And, yeah, I handled it pretty terribly and said some bitchy things. I knew being in his meadow was terrible, but I couldn’t force myself to leave, no matter how hard I tried.
Then, this big fight happened, and something just snapped in my little brain. I looked at this guy, and really thought about a relationship with him. Not an idealised version, looking only at the positives, not loving the way he talks about treating his ex, actually looking at him, and me. And what I finally realised, is that it wouldn’t work. Our personalities are too strong, we clash too much. We don’t deal with our problems with any sort of calm communication. Is that something I really want in a relationship? Sometimes, I’m not even sure how either of us deal with a friendship. Trying to date someone like that?
Basically, I was picked up and thrown out of that meadow. It hurt, but it was necessary.
Now, here’s where it gets tricky. As part of refusing to deal with my issues, and wanting to prove to myself that I’m over Zeus, I’ve accidentally found myself in another meadow. Not properly, just barely on the edge, but still looking in. Who, you ask? Apollo. You know, the guy that thinks he’s the literal sun? I feel so predictable, and his ego is so big anyway, I hate to ever add fuel to it (even if he can back up what he says). And, realistically, we probably wouldn’t work as a couple either. I love him, but also I know that he would easily infuriate me. He would work out how to push my buttons so fast (already knows, to some extent).
The thing is, during that week I needed a friend. Just one, really. And because Zeus is Apollo’s best friend, he understood everything a lot more than any of my other friends from home did. He knows how Zeus’s mind works, and that’s really comforting. Plus, he was a good distraction during the week; a four hour phone call on that first night was exactly what I needed. Most of it wasn’t even about everything going wrong, it was actual, intelligent conversation that I could spend time thinking about afterwards, instead of worrying about everything else.
When I first wrote this, I was convinced that part of me could stop it, if I really tried. Here’s what I wrote, a few weeks ago;
My head is so full at the moment, it feels like I can’t spend the time to send someone into the meadow and drag me out. Plus, it’s actually quite a nice distraction. There are so many unhealthy ways I could be dealing with my emotions right now, and I think distracting myself with a boy isn’t that bad, in the grand scheme of things. I worry that I’ll fall a lot harder, and that would definitely be a problem… And that’s why I’m writing it down, I guess, so I know where I stand. It’s a small, barely-real set of feelings, and it cannot grow. It just cannot.
Then, I decided not to post this, because I wasn’t sure who might be reading this blog. And about a week ago, I called him, just to generally chat, and to vent about Zeus, as per usual. All good, right? Except we called from 11:45pm, ish, to 9:30ish that morning. 9 and a half hours. All night. We talked about him, mostly, and the way his mind works, and we talked about Zeus, and we talked about… everything. So much stuff. I thought it was going to go away, I really did, but I’m on the very edge of this meadow, and I’m a second away from falling and not being able to get up again. I’m honestly so annoying. Interesting to pick apart my brain though, right?
Of all the things to come out of That Week, this is definitely the most insignificant. Interesting though, right? I think so, anyway. Let me know about YOUR meadows, especially if you aren’t alone in yours! Warm my lil heart!