People suck. That includes me, but man, people suck. Basically, a whole load of drama has happened over the last couple of weeks that I won’t really go into (or will I? unsure), and now I’ve lost/damaged three friendships. There’s two problems with this; first, that I had a crush on one of these people, and I so shouldn’t have (not the first time I’ve done this), and second, that I was the one apologising for all the things they did wrong. To be clear, I did A LOT wrong – I was jealous of the boy being friends with girls, I never talked about my emotions and problems, I assumed stuff that turned out to be wrong, and spoke on behalf of other people based off some of that, etc etc. What makes me mad, though, is that the people affected by it didn’t deal with it in the best way, and I got to a point where I was basically begging for them to forgive me.
Let’s start with the boy, and my feelings for him. My friend casually asked me why I always fall for people that treat me terribly, when talking about him, and it wasn’t until she said that that I realised it was true. The first boy I ever dated, for example, was an asshole to everyone around me, including my best friends. I forgave him though, and I justified it by pointing out how lovely he was to me. And he was, he was my best friend for two years. He was an asshole, though. The way he treated my friends, and encouraged me to treat my friends, pushed them away from me. For a good part of our 10 month relationship, I complained about people that were my closest friends for a year before hand, and some of who are still my closest friends now. He didn’t like them, though, so I felt like I wasn’t allowed to either. Don’t get me wrong, a lot of this relationship was amazing, but there are so many things I shouldn’t have put up with. Even now, I want to justify it and talk about how he’s a good person. I broke up with him eventually, but for a whole heap of other reasons, and it was only afterwards that my friends told me that it was definitely for the best.
This is just one example out of basically everyone that I’ve fallen for ever, and the guy I liked for half of last semester is no exception. I became one of his best friends, and I loved it, and once I was dropped and in the middle of arguing with him, I realised how unhealthy it was that I’d liked him for so long. To be clear, this is VERY past tense. This argument was started by me doing a heap of things wrong, but I think it blew up into a big fight because of the way everyone chose to handle it. I got mad because I thought he was mad, I asked him what was going on because I was confused, and he refused to talk to me, to start with. So then when he did talk to me, there was pent up anger from both of us, and it blew up fast. As we argued, he contradicted a whole lot of stuff that he said, and I was shut down with anything I said that didn’t fit his understanding of it. And this is me noticing it now that we’ve argued, what other stuff did I choose to ignore when I was happy to have his attention? One of our mutual friends laughed when I explained this to him, because he’s known for a long, long time that this boy wasn’t good for me.
And the worst bit? I apologise for it. With the last person, he would tell me what I’ve done wrong, so of course I would apologise, and then when he refuses to listen to how things were from my perspective, I just keep apologising. And with other similar situations with exes, I get to a point where I want to break up with them, because they never apologise for anything so I get mad. Even though I’m the one constantly apologising, and never expecting them to apologise to me, I still get upset and mad. Man, I am PROBLEMATIC. I’ve realised all of this with the latest guy, but this doesn’t mean that this is about him. It’s a me thing, he was just the catalyst for me realising it, which is why he’s the main example.
With this argument, my friends (that don’t know him) got mad on my behalf, and it wasn’t until all of them got mad that I realised maybe I should be as well. I would get mad in the heat of the argument, but apologise directly after. I was sad, more than mad. Something in me has snapped now, though, and I’ve realised that I need to stand up for myself more. I think it’s a case of everyone acknowledging where they stuffed up, and I think I know most of my flaws. Unless there’s stuff he hasn’t told me, but there’s nothing I can do about that. I’m ready to grow into a better person, but is anyone else? Or was I just been dropped because I’m unquestionably evil? Why am I still letting it affect me this much, why can’t I realise that this was an unhealthy crush, a friendship that needed improvement, and accept there’s nothing I can do if he wants to cut me out of his life? I am letting it affect me though, and don’t worry, there’s a post coming about all the ways I’m not looking after myself.
He asked me not to talk about him on here, and while I respect that, I need this place to get my thoughts out, and I’m focusing this post on me and my thoughts, not on him or anyone else. I need all of you to talk to, because you always give such good advice! So, here’s some emotions, some stuff I need to work on, and some stuff I would love to hear your perspectives on. Have you been in similar situations? Am I looking at this the wrong way? Is there a better way to look at it?