This is the first time I’ve written in the middle of feeling depressed. Usually, I write and I edit, and it becomes a productive thing. This, though, is just me feeling like shit. I don’t know how to ask for help, and I wouldn’t know who to go to anyway. So, this. Cool. Please don’t read this if it’s going to bring up any negative sort of feelings for you, this is entirely just me venting!
I feel completely and utterly alone, for starters. I don’t feel like anyone entirely gets what goes on in my head, and after a massive fight with some friends recently, I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone without bothering them. I know full well that they’ll tell me I’m ridiculous, and that they’re over everything we fought about, but some stuff was said that I can’t get out of my head. I can’t stop the idea that they’d rather I just shut up and stayed happy all the time, because god forbid I cause any more drama. And you know the dumbest part? One of them messaged me just now, asking me why I was awake, asking me if I was okay, and I said “brain is being shitty. I’m okay though :).” Why? Why would I say that? I am NOT okay, and I wouldn’t let myself ask him for help, because I don’t want to feel like I’m a burden to him. How fucking stupid.
Actually, scratch that, in writing this I made myself ask for help. Look at me GO, I am damn proud. Shaking, but proud. (we didn’t talk about anything important, but I sort of tried).
Anyway. I tried to go to bed around 3 hours ago, and haven’t been able to shut my brain up since. I’ve been reliving stuff that should be in the past, but it isn’t. I don’t know if it isn’t to the other people involved, or if it’s just me making stuff up in my head. I don’t know if I’m actually wanted in this friend group, or if they wish I was gone (not in like a dead way), or if it’s just me, making stuff up in my head. Reading into stuff that isn’t real.
Also, y’know, general depression. There’s this big weight in my brain, some big, black, thing, and it won’t go away. I can’t get any sort of coherent thought past it, because it picks apart everything I do. It just sits there, always, making me feel useless and Sad (capital S), and like I want to lie on the floor for the entire day. Not now, but sometimes, and it’s absolute worst, I kind of get suicide. I couldn’t do it, ever, and please don’t ever worry that I would. I get it, though, for people that have no one. And that thought terrifies me. And I don’t know how to ask for help, if those thoughts ever manifested into something worse. And that scares me even more. It’s so easy for me to give advice to the people around me, but when it comes to looking after myself, I just can’t do it. It’s like I can’t see the point, a lot of the time. This post summed it up pretty well.
“An exit button.” Or maybe just “restart,” because I have complete faith that everything is going to get better. Honestly, I’ll probably feel better tomorrow morning. Right now, though, I wish I could just shut my brain off.
And now what do I want to do to finish this post off? Reassure you all that I’m okay. I would hate for anyone to worry, so I want to reassure you. I’m not okay though. I think I will be… just not yet.
Some videos on this I’ve been enjoying/relating to lately;
- Luke Cutforth’s “It’s okay to be NOT okay”
- NotJustBlonde’s “Can I be my own counselor?”
- Thomas Sanders’ “Accepting anxiety”
- Dodie Clark’s “Depression, innit“
- TomSka’s “I am depressed” and “Non-depressing depression video“