Posted in Mental Health, Posts

A moment of weakness; some depressing thoughts

This is the first time I’ve written in the middle of feeling depressed. Usually, I write and I edit, and it becomes a productive thing. This, though, is just me feeling like shit. I don’t know how to ask for help, and I wouldn’t know who to go to anyway. So, this. Cool. Please don’t read this if it’s going to bring up any negative sort of feelings for you, this is entirely just me venting! 

I feel completely and utterly alone, for starters. I don’t feel like anyone entirely gets what goes on in my head, and after a massive fight with some friends recently, I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone without bothering them. I know full well that they’ll tell me I’m ridiculous, and that they’re over everything we fought about, but some stuff was said that I can’t get out of my head. I can’t stop the idea that they’d rather I just shut up and stayed happy all the time, because god forbid I cause any more drama. And you know the dumbest part? One of them messaged me just now, asking me why I was awake, asking me if I was okay, and I said “brain is being shitty. I’m okay though :).” Why? Why would I say that? I am NOT okay, and I wouldn’t let myself ask him for help, because I don’t want to feel like I’m a burden to him. How fucking stupid. 

Actually, scratch that, in writing this I made myself ask for help. Look at me GO, I am damn proud. Shaking, but proud. (we didn’t talk about anything important, but I sort of tried). 

Anyway. I tried to go to bed around 3 hours ago, and haven’t been able to shut my brain up since. I’ve been reliving stuff that should be in the past, but it isn’t. I don’t know if it isn’t to the other people involved, or if it’s just me making stuff up in my head. I don’t know if I’m actually wanted in this friend group, or if they wish I was gone (not in like a dead way), or if it’s just me, making stuff up in my head. Reading into stuff that isn’t real. 

Also, y’know, general depression. There’s this big weight in my brain, some big, black, thing, and it won’t go away. I can’t get any sort of coherent thought past it, because it picks apart everything I do. It just sits there, always, making me feel useless and Sad (capital S), and like I want to lie on the floor for the entire day. Not now, but sometimes, and it’s absolute worst, I kind of get suicide. I couldn’t do it, ever, and please don’t ever worry that I would. I get it, though, for people that have no one. And that thought terrifies me. And I don’t know how to ask for help, if those thoughts ever manifested into something worse. And that scares me even more. It’s so easy for me to give advice to the people around me, but when it comes to looking after myself, I just can’t do it. It’s like I can’t see the point, a lot of the time. This post summed it up pretty well. Suicide Text.jpg

“An exit button.” Or maybe just “restart,” because I have complete faith that everything is going to get better. Honestly, I’ll probably feel better tomorrow morning. Right now, though, I wish I could just shut my brain off. 

And now what do I want to do to finish this post off? Reassure you all that I’m okay. I would hate for anyone to worry, so I want to reassure you. I’m not okay though. I think I will be… just not yet. 

Some videos on this I’ve been enjoying/relating to lately;

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Author:

I was a book blogger for a while, and I now blog about every little thing in life I can think of. Bear with me while I try all these new posts out... I'm a New Zealand teen who gets angry about the world (but not angry enough for tumblr). I like to capture the world through photos and words, and read in all the moments in nz-squadbetween. I have an overwhelming desire to see every corner of the world I possibly can, and hug the people I love in all those corners. I can't do make up to save myself, and you're more likely to find me buying matching stationary than matching clothes. My nerd hobbies include a new found love of the Avengers, reading YA, watching Game of Thrones, How I Met Your Mother, and every vlogger I can find, and being the last person on the music bandwagons. I have big plans for the rest of my life, including university, teaching, travelling, and having an army of puppies. I plan to blog every second of it!

15 thoughts on “A moment of weakness; some depressing thoughts

  1. I’m here if you ever need to talk 🙂 Being trapped in your own head can be a terrifying thing… especially at night, it seems that’s when our brains want to work overtime for some reason. I hope you start to feel better soon. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I can completely understand not being suicidal, but wanting an exit button or a restart button. I actually had to give my mind permission to take a mental health day today and just not deal with anything today. I also frequently watch funny videos before I fall asleep, it just calms me down.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. BIG HUG. I feel you. I’ve been depressed for… nearly five years now, although this is just the longest time it’s happened. I was depressed off and on as a little kid too. I haven’t been suicidal in a relatively long time, but I understand what it’s like, especially the bit about wanting to stop existing. I just wanted to say that if you ever need to rant or vent or anything, I’m all ears. Depression can be lonely even when people know that you have it, and it’s even lonelier when you’re hiding it.

    So much love to you ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s awful, I’m so sorry! It’s nice to know we aren’t alone though, and that other people do understand it. Thank you so much for the offer, I’ll be sure to talk to you if I need to 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi! I haven’t been following you for a long time and we don’t know each other. But I totally get what you are going through. I have been feeling similar emotions for quite some time and I get it. I’ve never EVER thought about suicide. I understand, like you said, why people would consider it an option. Frankly, I’d love the ability to shut my brain off and just not think and most of all feel for at least a week. For istance, I try to keep my brain constantly working, either watching TV or Youtube or reading so I don’t have to dwell on my problems. If I stop even for a moment, things get bad. I also talk on my blog about the struggle I am going through and exposing yourself even to strangers can be quite difficult.
    Anyway, I hope that you know that if you want to talk or share anything, even complain, I’m here. xxxx Georgia

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, exactly! If I could just turn my brain off occasionally, but turn it back on again later, that would be ideal. I try to keep my brain busy too, but it’s so hard to do that 100% of the time. I’ll definitely be checking out your blog, I find it so helpful to know we aren’t completely alone. Thank you so much for this comment, this is lovely 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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