You know those late-night thoughts you have when you cant sleep, or thoughts you have in the shower? Yeah, this was one of those. Both of those, actually. Basically, I have a “saving people thing” (as Hermione describes it to Harry), and its almost definitely not healthy.
Let’s talk fictional, to start with. I LOVE a broken character. I love Draco Malfoy, and Bucky, and Jem Smith, and Adrian Ivashkov, and Jughead Jones, and a hundred other small broken boys (not girls, huh – but that’s an observation for another day). I love them because of how problematic they are, and I want to protect them from the cruel world, especially when they show a little bit of emotion and wanting to change. All good, right? Except, the problem is, I’m starting to think this is happening to me in real life. Well, maybe I’m just realising it more with this friend group than I have before. Because, damn, it has happened before. With my exes and ex-crushes in particular, who always seem to have something, from my boyfriend with injuries that he struggled with, to a crush who got the occassional anxiety attack. Obviously, they’re so much more to me than that, but is it becoming a trend? What do I notice first, and what draws me to them?
Then, there’s the idea that with everything I have going on in my own head (depression etc), I feel like I need to help other people to a) repress my own emotions and distract myself or b) help someone, since I can’t help myself. So are these “projects” that can make me feel like I’m doing more about my own stuff? When I think about it, I don’t feel like it’s that at all, but then I sit down and write these posts and I wonder… Last week, for example, my friendship group fell apart, and I was Public Enemy #1 (justifiably, but still), so I was broken and just, ugh. It was so awful, and unfortunately no, we’re not going into detail about what happened. Anyway, now I need to be thinking about the things I did wrong, and working out how I can fix them. So how did I spend the other night? Having a deep and meaningful with my friend to try and work out all of his problems. And I walked away feeling calmer about everything, and happy, and like I’d done some good. What changed about my problems, though? Absolutely nothing, I deflected the conversation every time he tried to change it to me.
The real issue is I don’t know how to stop this. I could never leave anyone to be upset, and if I think they’re dealing with something inside their heads, I always find myself asking (and pushing) to find out what’s wrong. I want to help them, always, and not just with my current friend group. Is this problematic? Does it only become a problem when I use it to repress my own emotions? I am a MESS, but hey, I’m getting there. At least I’m thinking about it, right?
This is an edited, reposted version, sorry!