Posted in A better look at me, Posts

A “saving people thing”

You know those late-night thoughts you have when you cant sleep, or thoughts you have in the shower? Yeah, this was one of those. Both of those, actually. Basically, I have a “saving people thing” (as Hermione describes it to Harry), and its almost definitely not healthy. 

Let’s talk fictional, to start with. I LOVE a broken character. I love Draco Malfoy, and Bucky, and Jem Smith, and Adrian Ivashkov, and Jughead Jones, and a hundred other small broken boys (not girls, huh – but that’s an observation for another day). I love them because of how problematic they are, and I want to protect them from the cruel world, especially when they show a little bit of emotion and wanting to change. All good, right? Except, the problem is, I’m starting to think this is happening to me in real life. Well, maybe I’m just realising it more with this friend group than I have before. Because, damn, it has happened before. With my exes and ex-crushes in particular, who always seem to have something, from my boyfriend with injuries that he struggled with, to a crush who got the occassional anxiety attack. Obviously, they’re so much more to me than that, but is it becoming a trend? What do I notice first, and what draws me to them? 

Then, there’s the idea that with everything I have going on in my own head (depression etc), I feel like I need to help other people to a) repress my own emotions and distract myself or b) help someone, since I can’t help myself. So are these “projects” that can make me feel like I’m doing more about my own stuff? When I think about it, I don’t feel like it’s that at all, but then I sit down and write these posts and I wonder… Last week, for example, my friendship group fell apart, and I was Public Enemy #1 (justifiably, but still), so I was broken and just, ugh. It was so awful, and unfortunately no, we’re not going into detail about what happened. Anyway, now I need to be thinking about the things I did wrong, and working out how I can fix them. So how did I spend the other night? Having a deep and meaningful with my friend to try and work out all of his problems. And I walked away feeling calmer about everything, and happy, and like I’d done some good. What changed about my problems, though? Absolutely nothing, I deflected the conversation every time he tried to change it to me. 

The real issue is I don’t know how to stop this. I could never leave anyone to be upset, and if I think they’re dealing with something inside their heads, I always find myself asking (and pushing) to find out what’s wrong. I want to help them, always, and not just with my current friend group. Is this problematic? Does it only become a problem when I use it to repress my own emotions? I am a MESS, but hey, I’m getting there. At least I’m thinking about it, right?

This is an edited, reposted version, sorry! 

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Author:

I was a book blogger for a while, and I now blog about every little thing in life I can think of. Bear with me while I try all these new posts out... I'm a New Zealand teen who gets angry about the world (but not angry enough for tumblr). I like to capture the world through photos and words, and read in all the moments in nz-squadbetween. I have an overwhelming desire to see every corner of the world I possibly can, and hug the people I love in all those corners. I can't do make up to save myself, and you're more likely to find me buying matching stationary than matching clothes. My nerd hobbies include a new found love of the Avengers, reading YA, watching Game of Thrones, How I Met Your Mother, and every vlogger I can find, and being the last person on the music bandwagons. I have big plans for the rest of my life, including university, teaching, travelling, and having an army of puppies. I plan to blog every second of it!

11 thoughts on “A “saving people thing”

  1. What you just described is me a year ago. I liked fixing my friends, strangers. And yes, I too felt calm after I did that. And saving people is good while you save yourself too. I couldn’t save myself at the same time save everyone around here. So I took a timeout. I am still a work in progress. But a good work in progress. It only depends on how you can work things.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This comment makes me feel so much calmer, thank you 🙂 When you say you took a timeout, what do you mean? Did you have to leave friends, or just stop trying to ask how they are all the time?

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I think this whole idea of fixing people and suppressing your emotions is a bit far fetched. I think the problem is that you try so hard to read people and reach a conclusion that isn’t entirely true. Trust your friends to come to you and at the same time work on your own problems by talking to a professional 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Do you mean I reach conclusions about myself or other people? I definitely have a lot to do about my own problems, I find blogging really helpful with trying to figure all my thoughts out though 🙂

      Like

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