I hate the word depression. No, listen, I don’t hate people who have depression. I feel awful for them. It’s people who use it when they don’t know anything about it that make me mad – there’s a huge difference between people who are a bit upset, and people who actually have a chemical imbalance in their brain. So I’m reluctant to use the word when I’m having one of my sad phases, because I don’t want to minimise the struggle actual depressed people are going through. I also really, really hate self diagnosis of things. People who read up on all their symptoms and convince themselves they’re dying from a cold are not healthy people, and I definitely don’t want to become someone like them.
In saying all that, I do get sad. Like, really sad. And being the person I am, I came across some self diagnosis I feel I fit really well – seasonal affective disorder, or, SAD. Basically, it’s when you become depressed during certain seasons (usually winter). Your eating patterns go (check), you lose interest in your usual activities (see my post on that), your sleep pattern changes (check), you get irritated with the people you’re around (check) and the things you’re doing (see my YouTube video on school). I can basically pinpoint the time it happens – I started a blog this time two years ago, and I don’t know if that’s a coincidence. Last year, I put it down to missing the people I’d left in America a month before. Right now, I’m putting my blog through all these changes, and obsessing over a particular girl. I hate everything I usually love to do, and I’m still looking for that perfect something that’s going to put me in a better mood. Like I said, I hate self diagnosis, but I can admit I fit a lot of these things.
In saying all that, I have no idea where to go next from here. I’m not going to go see anyone, because of the rant I just had above. What I need is some home solution, some project that’ll help me take my mind off everything. Or, what I really probably need is summer. Some gorgeous sunshine to stop me feeling this awful tiredness of life (not in a suicidal way, don’t worry). I want trips to the beach, reading outside, going for walks down the river. I WANT SUMMER SO BAD, YOU GUYS. And I genuinely think it’ll help. However, if there’s something else I can do in the meantime… I don’t know, is there anything you can do? Or is this just one of those things you have to deal with until it gets worse?